In the words of George Costanza…
I’m back, baby! I’m back!
Depending on your musical preference, feel free to listen to one of the following songs while you read.
I think that pretty well covers the spectrum. I tried to look up rapper rivalries on Wikipedia for the sake of hip hop political correctness, but there’s no mention of Detroit and LL Cool J having any sort of riff.
Alright, so we’re now completely in the middle of football season. Who knew that also meant that we were in the middle of fluid mechanics conference season, midterm season, and fellowship application season? Anyway, I should be back in some capacity until finals hit, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
First of all, I wanted to apologize for the Lions’ poor play of late. Of course you faithful readers have noticed by now that the Lions were undefeated from the time I started this blog until my hiatus started. So while you can blame me for not continuing to write, you can blame my sister for the jinx (1-3 in her tenure, I believe).
Okay, so what is this post actually about? I know some of you like the stat breakdowns, but those are horribly time consuming and my celebration breakdowns are clearly more educational. Since the break between the Panthers and Packers game is so short (and most likely to be filled with more conferences and tons of turkey-eating), I’ll just go ahead and lump together two of the cockiest, most self absorbed, most ripped-off celebrations in the NFL. Of course I’m talking about Cam Newton’s Superman and Aaron Rodgers’s championship belt.
Let’s start with Cam. Here’s a picture for the uninitiated.
The problem with this one? The man has too much teeth. Now I know what you’re thinking – Does that sentence make sense? He should have written “too many teeth”. But here’s what I’m saying. He probably doesn’t have a greater number of teeth than a human version of him would have (although maybe he’s like a shark with rows and rows of them). What I’m saying is that the sheer volume of teeth is overwhelming. His tooth density per unit mouth is just way too high. Here’s a nice standup routine to explain why that’s a bad thing.
Okay, so Cam Newton just can’t thug it out hard enough. He’s gotta thug it out a little bit harder. But in general, it’s not a good idea to do pretend to be Superman. Here’s what Dane Cook has to say.
Okay, so even while he’s not sufficiently able to thug it out, he could be shot for his efforts. Sounds like a bad celebration. My other problem with this dance is that it’s a ripoff, and a poor one at that. The former Lions’ own Shaun Rogers used to perform a much better version of the Superman celebration. Unfortunately, the internet has erased all evidence of this except for a single picture that I found.
This was a nice version of it, where he’d begin by flicking off a few buttons and then violently rip the rest of the shirt off. I have to think this is exactly what Superman in a hurry would look like (plus a few pounds). Cam, on the other hand, is clearly doing it to pose rather than to celebrate through actions. It’s an insult to the true celebrations out there. And to think, this isn’t even Shaun Rogers’s best dance…
Okay, on to the “champ.” Here’s a video of the dance.
Whenever I’ve seen this, I can’t help but think, he definitely stole this from someone whose name is a lot more awesome than his, right? Someone with a name like Iron Sheik or Gorilla Monsoon or The Undertaker. So I did some digging. I have come to learn the tricks of the internet. However much they want to throw you off the trail with things like the “Celebration Ostomy Support Belt”, I can still manage to prove my point. I’ll start out slow – a football-related robbery. On the famous 4th-and-26 play (it has its own Wikipedia page) where Donovan McNabb completed a pass to Freddie Mitchell, FredEx (more awesome name than Aaron Rodgers) celebrated with the championship belt. Click the link and you’ll see a video. If you checked out the Wikipedia page, you’ll notice that this celebration predated Rodgers’s entire NFL career. This seems like a moment Aaron Rodgers wouldn’t want to remind Packers fans of considering it knocked them out of the playoffs. So this has been done before. But it doesn’t stop there. Clearly, this motion originated in some way with boxing/wrestling/martial arts given that they generally have big belts. I knew I had seen this motion in UFC footage, but couldn’t place it. After days of searching, I finally stumbled across it. George Rush St. Pierre (obviously he’s Canadian and his name is still way more awesome than Aaron Rodgers) performed this maneuver after defeating Josh Koscheck (the guy that looks like a muppet and/or Bob Ross).
Here’s a video if the entire fight in case you want the proof (the belting begins at 19:44). For those that don’t care to watch modern day wrasslin’, here’s a blurry screenshot.
This is the only photo or video evidence I could find of the belt celebration. Maybe next week I’ll prove that the loch ness monster exists. I’m that good.
On a more technical note, I do have to give Rodgers credit for execution. Personally, I liked this celebration until the Packers started to matter to the Lions as division rivals. Now, all bets are off. I can’t stand it. And this dance isn’t without criticism. Mike McCarthy (Packers head coach) thought it was a sexual gesture for a while.
All in all, hopefully the Lions turn Cam Newton into a Superbleeder and make Aaron Rodgers cry like Rampage Jackson (much more awesome name than Aaron) when they smash him and take his belt.