This week, while watching Monday Night Football and following along on twitter, someone tweeted a picture of an instruction sheet for a camera operator on what was apparently a dedicated RG3 injury cam.
This got me thinking. What would the dedicated camera be for every NFL team?
New England Patriots
Camera 1: Bill Belichick Looks Awful Cam – This camera is dedicated to getting real-time images of Bill Belichick wearing sleeveless sweatshirts not really doing anything, having an expressionless face, and basically being the complete opposite of entertaining.
Camera 2: Tom Brady Yelling At His Wide Receivers Cam – Because he did this even when he did have awesome wide receivers.
Camera 1: Empty Seats Cam – Because I’m pretty sure no sporting event in Florida has ever sold out.
New York Jets
Camera 1: Butt Cam – This camera is trained on all the butts, just in case one of them forces a turnover.
Camera 2: Are We There Yet? Cam – This camera watches Rex Ryan all game long, mostly to capture the exact moment he gets fired, but also because there’s nothing interesting to watch on the field.
Camera 1: The Not Kyle Williams Cam – Because by 2012 PFF grades, Kyle D. Williams was the 3rd best DT in football last year and no one knows anything about him. This camera is dedicated to keeping it that way.
Camera 1: Cops Cam – This is a camera guy watching Cops just in case a Bengal shows up.
Camera 1: Head and Shoulders Cam – This guy just watches Troy Polamalu’s hair. He’s not the only guy with long hair in the NFL, but he’s the best in the business at finding ways to run that make it flop around as much as possible.
Camera 1: Brandon Weeden Calendar Cam – This camera splices together shots of Brandon Weeden’s wall calendar to see how long until his next birthday with CGI renderings of what he’ll look like when he has as much NFL experience as someone his age should have.
Camera 1: Ray Lewis Cam – ESPN doesn’t care that he’s retired. In all fairness, neither does he. He’s still out on the field yelling about God and stuff.
Camera 1: 4th Quarter Cam – This camera is kept switched off until the 4th quarter…just like the Indianapolis Colts.
Camera 2: Andrew Luck Face Cam – This is the face of the guy you copied off of in math class. The camera is always on him for that “Revenge of the Nerds” effect, where the nerdiest viewers can live vicariously through him.
Camera 1: The JJ Watt Hand Cam – So that Chris Collinsworth can talk about JJ Watt’s Mickey Mouse hands for the thousandth time during the broadcast. I can’t choose just 1 Seinfeld reference, so I’ll just put them all here.
Camera 1: Off – Because there’s nothing to see here.
Camera 1: The Suck Cam – This is the All-22 view you get with the premium NFL Game Rewind subscription that shows every player on the field, because otherwise you can’t fit all the suck into frame.
Kansas City Chiefs
Camera 1: Big Red Cam – Because Andy Reid’s nickname is Big Red! And he’s big! And he’s wearing red!
Camera 1: Directional Microphone – They swap out a camera for a directional microphone that’s always pointed at Peyton Manning so that you can hear him yell things like “Omaha! Whiskey Charlie! Beetle Bailey! ObamaCare!”. These are all things I could totally imagine Peyton Manning yelling as audibles at the line of scrimmage.
San Diego Chargers
Camera 1: Panda Watch
Camera 1: Al Davis Cam – This camera is still watching Al Davis. I know he’s dead. But I also thought that about 5 years before he was actually dead.
Camera 1: Chip Kelly Cam – Because what do his facial expressions even mean? Must mean he’s a genius.
Camera 1: Jerry Jones Cam – Because he would’ve sunk this franchise if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.
Camera 2: Tony Romo Cam – Because no one knows if he’s amazing or terrible, but either way, they’ll debate something about him on ESPN First Take.
Camera 3: Jason Garrett Cam - Because no one knows if he’s amazing or terrible, but either way, they’ll debate something about him on ESPN First Take.
Camera 4: Jumbotron Cam – This camera takes video of the Jumbotron and plays it on the Jumbotron so you get one of those infinite camera loop things. Also so they can have an infinite number of images of the Jumbotron because Cowboys.
Camera 1: RG3 Injury Cam – Because this one actually exists.
Camera 2: RG3 and Shanahan Kiss Cam – Because this is the most televised lovers’ spat in the DC area.
New York Giants
Camera 1: Peyton Manning Cam – So that they can continuously compare Eli to Peyton forever and ever.
Camera 2: Cooper Manning Cam – So that they can tell the story about Cooper Manning also playing football for the thousandth time.
Camera 3: Archie Manning Cam – I don’t even know why they have this one. But don’t pretend like you haven’t seen it.
Camera 1: Dirty Suh Cam – Because I’m sure this one also actually exists.
Camera 2: Calvin Johnson Cam – Because this one absolutely should exist even if it doesn’t for entirely opposite reasons as the Dirty Suh Cam.
Camera 3: Sidearm Cam – This camera is tilted sideways so that even when Stafford throws over the top, it looks like it’s sidearmed so they can criticize him for it.
Camera 1: Smokin’ Jay Cutler Cam
Green Bay Packers
Camera 1: Discount Double Check Cam – This one is just always waiting for Rodgers to do his championship belt celebration. Because State Farm (I had to look up the company name for this, which means their ads are bad) probably pays for this camera.
Camera 2: Unusual Cheese Accessories Cam – Because those fans have every article of clothing in a faux cheese style.
Camera 1: 50 Yards Past the Line of Scrimmage – Because that’s where Adrian Peterson is about to be.
Camera 2: 50 Yards Behind the Line of Scrimmage - Because that’s where Christian Ponder’s passes are about to be.
New Orleans Saints
Camera 1: Drew Brees/Sean Payton Cam – Because they’re like the quintessential duo in a buddy cop movie. One is the golden boy that lifted up a fallen city and the other is the bad boy that just got back from suspension. Hilarity ensues.
Camera 2: Missing – Because one of the camera operators went rouge and took the camera so he can live out some girls gone wild Mardi Gras fantasy.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Camera 1: NFL Films Cam – This one shows old highlights to remind the fans that the defense was actually good once.
Camera 1: Cam’s Smile Cam – Because you can pretty much just accidentally catch this in every frame.
Camera 1: Looking in the Wrong Direction Cam – Because this is the most boring really good team in the league, so the camera operator fell asleep. Even when they try to give Matt Ryan a really badass sounding nickname like Matty Ice, he always just ends up with a boring old expression.
St. Louis Rams
Camera 1: Sam Bradford Cam – Because, has he panned out yet?
San Francisco 49ers
Camera 1: Colin Kaepernick Cam – This one follows him on every read option because even if he hands it off, that’s boring and no one wants to see that.
Camera 2: Jim Harbaugh Cam – Because it’s incredibly difficult to keep him from melting out of the frame
Camera 1: Pete Carroll Cam – Because he’s almost as entertaining as Jim Harbaugh on the sidelines, except without the melting.
Camera 1: Larry Fitzgerald Cam – Because if the production booth doesn’t throw it to him every once in a while, no one will.